A question answered: Rabbi Gabriel Botnick introduces a new format for his regular column

Dear Rabbi,
I recently attended an interfaith wedding which was officiated by a rabbi. I know some rabbis and
synagogues will do this, while others won’t (including Belsize). I’m hoping you can help me understand why this is and what goes into deciding whether or not such ceremonies would be permitted.

Sincerely,
Altarly Confused

Dear AC,
I completely understand why you might be confused about this inconsistency across synagogues and ministers. On the surface, there doesn’t really appear to be any difference between marriage ceremonies where both partners are Jewish and where only one is. But what’s really going on is the understanding of and approach to Jewish laws and customs – a tension which resides in both the philosophical and theological realms.

In Jewish law (Halakhah), a person can only fulfil the performance of Mitzvot (commandments) if they are obligated to perform them in the first place. For instance, as Jews, we are obligated to hear the Shofar blown on Rosh Hashanah. Therefore, only someone who is Jewish can blow Shofar for the community, as that person would be equally obligated to hear the blasts as those in attendance at services. While someone who isn’t Jewish is more than welcome to attend services (and even blow Shofar for themselves at home), we would never expect or invite them to blow Shofar for us at the synagogue.

The same idea applies to a Jewish wedding, which includes a number of blessings that are applicable only to those who are Jewish. So if someone who isn’t Jewish were to recite any of these blessings, it would be no different than them blowing the Shofar at synagogue. Another way to think of this is in the inverse: a Jewish person can go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve to enjoy a beautiful, spiritual experience, but they would never attempt to participate in Communion, as that is a rite reserved solely for those who are baptised Christians. Of course, every faith tradition has its own nuances, but the principle of reserved rituals is widely shared.

Where things get a bit more confusing is that there’s only one way to get married in Judaism: through the ceremony with which we’re familiar. But in Christianity, there are actually a variety of marriage rituals depending on the identities of the couple. For instance, in Catholicism, there are three types of weddings: between two baptised Catholics (which includes mass); between a Catholic and another Christian (which can take place in the church, but doesn’t include mass); and between a Catholic and a non-Christian (which can take place in a church or elsewhere and doesn’t include mass). So while Catholicism (and other faiths) offer ways to marry members of their faith to others, Judaism simply doesn’t have a formal
religious framework for interfaith marriage.

And now things get really confusing: if Judaism doesn’t offer a way to marry someone Jewish to someone who isn’t, how is it that we all know of Jews who’ve had interfaith weddings officiated by a rabbi?

This all boils down to how that rabbi views Halakhah and whether or not they consider it to be binding. In Orthodox and Masorti Judaism, rabbis understand Halakhah to be binding and therefore will only act in accordance with the law. Of course, there’s a wide spectrum of how rabbis might understand and interpret the law, but they all adhere to the basic legal principles of our tradition. In Reform and Liberal Judaism however, rabbis do not necessarily consider Halakhah to be binding. This is why such synagogues and rabbis might be okay with offering interfaith weddings – because they don’t feel bound to the letter of the law and might instead prioritise their own personal conscience or communal needs over Halakhah.

Of course, everyone is free to do as they wish – and I understand the desire to include Jewish elements in
interfaith ceremonies – but I worry that doing so could unintentionally treat our tradition as a cultural accessory, rather than as a lived faith.

Although I don’t perform intermarriages – and it’s Belsize policy not to do so as well – there are still a number of ways that we ensure that couples of mixed faiths can feel welcomed by, and included within, our community.

For instance, I still meet with couples to help them talk through what it means to get married and build a family together. I might recommend having a private, civil wedding at a registry office and then having someone who is important to them both conduct an emotionally meaningful and personal ceremony at a later point, (even if just a few hours later. Then, after they’re married, we often call the Jewish partner to the Torah for an Aliyah, after which I offer them and their non-Jewish spouse a blessing as they set out on this exciting new stage of their life’s journey. At Belsize, we recognise and celebrate the diversity of our community and strive to make everyone feel valued and included.

While I realise our approach might not be a perfect solution for everyone, I believe that it allows us to honour both our traditions as well as couples’ wishes.

I should add that many of my colleagues and I have been having conversations for a while now, trying to determine whether or not there are other ways to approach this question. So far, no consensus has been reached, but I believe what we’re currently doing is already a huge improvement on the past.

Most importantly, I want non- Jewish partners to know that even if I can’t perform their wedding, I can still be their rabbi and Belsize can still be their community. I’ll tell you, we have a number of students in our Cheder where one of the parents isn’t Jewish and yet that parent is still an integral part of our
community.

Best wishes,
Rabbi Botnick